Letter 142: Old man, look at my life. I'm a lot like you were

How do I start improving myself for the future?

QUESTION on QUORA

Am 15. And still in high school. Facing lots of circumstances good and bad. And I have been looking for a way to utterly improve my self in overall aspect but doesn't seem to work. Things gave been going bad for quite some time now and well I don't know how to even start

Ned McDonnell, former Banker and Diplo-temp (1986-2013)

I was all set to give you a flippant answer. Since you are fifteen, I can not do that; how I wish I had had your clarity at fifteen! Honestly, what you are asking is a lifelong challenge, really the very basic question of one’s existence.

BLUF (bottom-line, up-front): Keep asking that same question every day for the rest of your life.

So, my answer will sound trite but will, hopefully, be at least partially true.

• First, you have already started by asking the question. You are aware that you would like to improve. That is the biggest step.
• Second, most people never make that decision explicitly because it is a hard choice in a world where popular platitudes tend to trump genuine enquiry, where appearances substitute for authenticity.
• Third, take a moment to reflect on the possibility that many of the people I know (e.g., me) still share your desire for self-improvement and yet make the same erroneous assumption: that this inward drive reflects a deficit to be addressed or personality breach in need of mending; that simply is not the case.
• Fourth, when, and if, that sinking feeling does arise, try to remember that you are not an incomplete being as much as a pedestal on which you craft your life’s work as a sculpture.
• Fifth, be flexible and follow your heart; listen to that still small voice within so easily drowned out by the cataclysmic chatter filling one’s daily life (q.v., slide #10). That certainly sounds like a hackneyed response; it most likely is. The intuition devises the strategy; the intellect refines the tactics; and, the will powers the activities. Nevertheless, all that is for naught if one lacks a sense of where (s)he wants to end up; that properly belongs to the domain of the heart.

Briefly, what I am about to elaborate on is simply an idea, not advice. It is for you to reject it and understand why you do; that ‘correction’ begins to dig down into your thoughts, feelings, intuitions and experience to clarify what you want in life and to start to determine what makes sense for you.

The idea I leave with you is the military counter-insurgency framework used in Iraq and Afghanistan , recently updated to add a fifth column of ‘transition’ (q.v., pp. 23-28), which I interpret in everyday terms to be conferring the legacy of your life’s achievements and failures onto others; since that, hopefully, is decades away in your case, I will not elaborate on that hypothetical (since, equally honestly, I really am not sure what it means though I have a hunch).

The end-state. What does victory for the ‘improved me’ look like? One must imagine his or her life as happy and complete. Is that person wealthy? Is he writing books? Is she happily married with children? Does she run marathons? Is he meditating in service to a life of contemplation? This part is one I and many others have given short-shrift at fifteen, even fifty. Sooner or later, one must confront that question, if only by trial-and-error. Why? Because one needs to know into what (s)he will invest his or her ‘heart and soul’. Without that passion, one burns out with a barren, hand-me-down life whether extrinsically successful or not.

The strategy. Long-term goals are uncertain and likely require modification over time. Thus there is no singular route; in essence, one has to hazard a best guess. This constrains the decision primarily to intuition born out of your experience strength and hope. In essence: what feels right?

The tactics. In the counter-insurgency (COIN) reading I have encountered, this is the mapping phase. Reasoning the best way from the ‘me’ of today to the ‘improved me’, one envisions him- / herself engaging the intellect to establish the route that negates or avoids constraints as well as exploits tapping unique qualities and attributes. In COIN thinking specific to Operations Enduring and Iraqi Freedom, this phase breaks this mapping down into the following elements:

1. Shape (identify and mold the context); clear (eliminate the enemy); hold (consolidate the primacy of power); as well as, build (taking the next ‘right’ step forward toward the land of milk-&-honey).
2. This might translate into everyday life by shape (i.e., preparing for the journey forward); clear (overcome debilitating deficits perceived and mitigate other constraints or risks); hold (refresh and consolidate your knowledge and experience into a plausible narrative); as well as, build (integrate the new knowledge, acquired learning and refined attributes to bridge one from here to there).

Activities. Determined by the tactics. In project management, this is called the work-breakdown structure. To take a simple example. One of the tactics (in the hold or build stage) is going from Birmingham, Alabama to Birmingham, Michigan. The tactic is concrete. What are the things one has to do to accomplish that? (S)he must determine what the priority is: economizing money or time.

Let’s assume it is cost minimization. So, in this example that person chooses to secure a car (i.e., prepares an owned car for the 800 mile trip or rents a car); to fill the gas tank; to pack food and coffee; get a good night’s sleep; go to the car in the a.m.; start the car; drive 300 miles for gas; and, so on. Now if the trip is from Birmingham, Alabama to Birmingham, U.K., one has to articulate a completely different array of activities, starting with the constraint that one can not drive across the Atlantic Ocean.

The key here is not identifying the tasks (implied by the tactics) as much as engaging the will. Driving such a distance is a pain in the pizats for most people. It takes commitment and a self-discipline to do it. After all, it is easier to binge watch “The Man in the High Castle” on Amazon Prime rather than sit in a car for a day or two.

CONCLUSION. Now from my thought to share tentative advice for you to use or leave behind. Goals are uncertain and are apt to change. Try not to place so much stock on attaining the end you have tentatively identified that you transgress your personal values to achieve it. Simply said, the end does not justify the means; the means within our hands today sully or ennoble the uncertain ends of the future.

Secondly, you will get a lot of advice. Please remember that, if you choose a course other than the one identified by someone important to you and you deem your course the more appropriate one, try not to be intimidated by the prospect of that stake-holder feeling pissed-off with, or rejected by, your best decision-making. It is your life.

If my usual feint to humor does not de-fuse the incipient contest-of-wills, I have learned to say, “Just because I am not doing what you suggest does not mean that I did not listen and consider very seriously what you advised me to do…” Is my answer that elegant when I give it, even after five decades? Of course not.

Feelings, amplified by the will, run high; the personal stakes inherent in the relationship are also high. So, if you are like me, your statement will be fragmented and quavering at first. Nevertheless, since what you are saying is an intrinsic truth essential to you, the manner of delivery becomes almost dilatory.

The truth as substance truly trumps the delivery as form. Thirdly, relax and enjoy the ride, old-timer - you are already on Route-66! When those gnawing doubts of your value do arise watch something like “It’s a Wonderful Life”, if you are a ‘he’; watch some thing like “My brilliant Career”, if you are a ‘she’; or, read “The Little Prince”, if you are either unsure or indifferent.

SUMMARY. This long-winded missive reflects to things. That I am indeed a ‘Midnight Senator’ as my dad used to tease me when I was little. More importantly, the framework presented above - whether any of it works for you - represents one possible approach to taking on a fearsome question. As the old saying goes, “How does one eat an elephant? By starting with the first bite!”